Why does no one listen to me? The iPad dilemma.
The majority of my referrals I receive are from mothers; Mothers who are tired of fighting, tired of giving in, and tired of feeling ignored. I hear you. I know that you feel like no one is listening to you in your household. But guess what? You're right! No one is listening! So what do you do about it? How do you get you kids, your husband, anyone, to listen to you? That's where I come in.
As a therapist that works extensively with children and families, I almost always recommend saying less. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Additionally, the most important thing about what we say is consistency and follow through. So if you say you are not going to let your child play on his iPad until he finishes his homework, than you better mean it...and you better follow through with hiding that iPad.
Of course that sounds easy in theory, but in life, relationships are complicated. It is not that easy to follow through on the iPad threat. Because let's be honest, you need that iPad to entertain your kid while you clean, cook, pay bills, or just plain continue attacking all the life's little tasks that keep building up.
My solution is easily said. Don't say what you don't mean, but make sure you can follow through with what you decide to say. If you do this, trust me, your family will listen to you. For example, rather than saying, "No iPad ever," let's compromise a little so that you can benefit from iPad use when you need to. First solution to the iPad dilemma, you can take something else away rather than the iPad. Instead, you can say, "Ryan, if you don't finish your homework, then you can't watch your television show tonight." Then, record the show, but make sure he doesn't watch it that night. However, the iPad may still pose a problem.
My second solution is thus my favorite one. But only works for the brave ones. Take that iPad away! However, make sure your child can earn it back the next day. Again, this is easier said than done. Sometimes there is an actually physical struggle with the iPad. So maybe you should wait to see me in therapy before trying this on your own.
In general using electronics as a reward or consequence is dangerous. Before it becomes an issue, you should set rules and boundaries. If you want your family to listen to you, electronic use needs to be limited daily. I recommend limited electronic time scheduled each day, because let's face it, if your child has all-day access, than your battling again for attention. Hence, it feels like no one is listening to you.
So moral of the story, if no one is listening to you, you're right. You better start saying less and following through with what you say. And maybe, if you're brave, you will eventually take away that i-pad.
